Africa...Tanzania

Africa,
Youve been on my mind a lot for the last two years... I cant egnore you anymore, so I took steps to come and see you... again.
But I think this time its for real. I just wrote the base in Tanzania another email after they replied positive to my last one.
Its gonna be interesting if I do decide to go over there sooner than later. Where am I gonna get the oney from...
Dutch people are not the most generous once you know.
I will have to save and ask for money from friends I guess. DOnt know if I could do that, ask... not to give it back to them.
But I feel...I want to go. And at the same time I am scared.
God...??
Hello???
Can you hear me???

I think he's busy.

It will all become clear I guess. Im just gonna take this process step by step...
adn hopfuly take off sooner than later!

smashing windows and scary noizes...

Its past midnight when Im going to bed at my work. I have a nightshift wich meens, I have the responsibliti over 20 young people, while their sleeping.
But afte half an hour, I hear weird sounds coming from downstairs... It freaks me out. Sounds like someone is banging his head against the walls (i work with disabled kids...).
But after 2 hours we (a colege and me) find out, that somone broke in to the room below me, and smashed the window with a stone. Blood is on the floor, and the safe is outside, empty, all the money gone.. :(

We fallow the trail of blood and it leeds up to one of the kids room (26 years old). Its very sad, but one of our own kids stole money from us. He is so broke and addicted to drugs and didnt know what else to do, so he decided to take his chance... Unbelieveble.

One litle miracle, the litle kids I was looking out for upstairs where all a sleep, and didnt hear a thing! If they would have woken up....men, I dont even wanna think of what would have happend, but a lot of panic!

Anyways, after the police showed up and I gave them all the information I had, they took the litle thief with them, with my colege.
I didnt sleep that night, offcourse, adrenaline was rushing trough my vains and my head kept spinning. I think I was kind of blaming my self.

Another nightshift is waiting for me tommorrow...yay....not....

but just so all of you know... I have amazing co workers, and I love my job!!!

restless traveler

The churchbells ring. Loud and clear.
Across my house is a huge cathedral and every saterdaynight and sunday morning the pastor (i guess) rings the bells.
I open my eyes, wake up to the sounds of it...

Restless. My heart is beating fast, and I breath in.
Im running, but my destenation is unclear. I see mountains passing by, an ocean, all different kind of people are cheering at me. People from all over the world, different collor skin. Im trying to figger out where I am, and where I am going to.
Than I pass a desert, its cold there! (weird) The sand stings on my skin. And i close my eyes while I keep running. Sweat is dripping from my forhead, while I am running I trie to lift up my hand and whipe my forehead. But I almost trip.
The only thing my body seems to do right is run. My legs are doing all the work, I dont even need to think.
I run, and run.
And there is no time for looking back it seems. I want to....I want to know what Im running from, but my neck is refursing to turn around, and my eyes are stubern they keep looking forward.
I run and run.
The sand makes place for a concrete road, and trees are apearing. Big trees, and very green.
It starts to rain, and I keep running. My feet are sore, but I cant stop.
The wind is strong and I bow my back a litle while running. Faster and faster I go.
I can hear myself breathing, almost as loud as the wind, and my clothes are fillling up with water.
Mountains apear in front of me, I leave the rain behind with the trees and all that is left are the mountains, grass and rocks. No animals, no people, the sky is bleu. I want to stop and sit down, and think about what just happens. But I cant. I get angry, and trie to stop my legs from running. I almost trip, but it doesnt stop me.
I want to stop! I need to stop.
I run up to a mountain. Its a big one, and covered in rocks and trees that look like they were harmed by a fire.
I run and run and run... No times for pictures or a good look at the vieuw. I want to though, but its impossible.

Than...finaly I feel my legs are slowing down. I can look at my feet again, they are still running but not so fast anymore.
I trie to look around, but the higher I got the foggier it got.
I stop. I cant go further. Im on top of a mountain.
But I cant see where I am, or where to go next.
Clouds are surrounding me.
I lay down in the wet grass and feel the rocks underneeth the grass hit my body.
I close my eyes...

The churchbells ring. Loud and clear.
Across my house is a huge cathedral and every saterdaynight and sunday morning the pastor (i guess) rings the bells.
I open my eyes, wake up to the sounds of it...

Struggeling

Honestly?

Women.
What are we suppose to be in this world?
What is our place, our specialty?
These days it seems that women are everywhere, in advertisements, billboards, commercials... And most of the time its not about the person it self, but always about the way they look. What parfume they where, what kind of make up do they use to look that way, or on tv, in movies and musicvideo's their....naked....not always, but most of them are, right? Let me know if Im wrong...
I think I might have lost a litle bit if what I could really be as a women, I got misled by all these images, and started to believe that that was truth. I started to live by the rules of these images, and somtimes still do. We all know how hard it is not to right?
The life of a "lady" is not as simple as we sometimes think it might be. We yearn for safety, comfort and love and we wanna be treaded like princesses, and find that one treu love just like that. Without to much effort, and lots of romance...

Im reading a book called "SHE" written by Rebecca ST james, and Lynda Hunter Bjorklund. Its a very intence book, and teaches about the kind of WOMEN God wants us to be.
Honestly...I skip some pages, just because they are so confronting and it hurts. I dont like to be hurt...
Ill read them when I finish the rest I promise.

Do you know what it takes to be the women God intended you to be? I sure like to give all the answers to you, but I dont have them either. I meen, the bible does show some exemples of really strong and cool women. Like Esther, and Sarah, or Mariah who gave birth to our Savior Jesus Christ. And what about Ruth, a women full of pain after her husband died and by the grace of God found new Love and saved her family.
Its hard in this world, in our day to day life to live up to be a women that God wants us to be. We wanna shine, we wanna be notesed, we need love and need to be cared for right? And some of us do the weirdest things to get that. We set a side our pride and shame somtimes to get attention from that special person, or we take on a job that is not what we expected it to be, but pays very very well, so you'll have all that money, but you're not happy.
Where does it stop? I always believed that that moment would be when you found that one treu love, because from that moment on you dont have to do it on your own anymore... I know better now.
So what does God want from you and me?
Its very hard to find the answer at least for me it is. One of my friends gave me a very simple advise though..
Just live life, and with every step you take, take it together with God. Make Him part of the dissisions you make and show him your doubts, your fear, just your life in general.
Sounds very simple ey? But do we really do that? I dont believe that the girls on MTV, while they're shaking their buds in front the camera's, or me when Im going out dancing and hook up with random guys, truly involve God in that moment. I rather have Him wait outside of the club and catch me when I walk out.
But its time to change that.
God loves us women. He created us.
Im gonna do this, every step I take, work, family, lovelife, going out, dancing, art,writing, singin' all the things in my life that I love to do, and I want to grow in, I have to share them with God. I want to grow with Him, not like before on my own, and on my terms.
What kind of women are we ment to be?

Its been a while

Almost a month back in the netherlands, after another trip to San DIego California! It was amazing, met old and new friends and now Im working on the idea and plan of a art/music festival there with some other people.
Ive surfed my bud off in the pacific ocean and enyoind the sun, nature and all the times we went out on litle roadtrips, sleepovers, and movies! Thanks you to all my friends there!







I wonder sometimes why time goes so incredible fast and how I can stop it from going on for a day or two... Just to chill and think things over. Our lives seemed to be lived faster and faster, and sometimes we dont have time for the things that should be so importend to us. Life.

From the day that I got back to Holland till today I feel like time is ticking to fast. A few things in these last weeks have happend that made me think more and more about life, the time I have here on this planet, God, meening of life, my timing, Gods timing and what not.
For exemple three weeks ago, I was working and getting the kids ready for school (not mine, the ones that I work with; the handicapt kids) and my phone rang at 7 in the morning. Not a normal time to recieve a phonecall. I picked up and my dad told in a few words and a sad voice that his brother,my uncle had past away the night before.
He was only 47, and leaves his wife (my aunt) and his three boys behind. Because I was still working and that needed my focus I hung up the phone with the words; What? Ill call you back when Im done in a few hours". After work I sayd down and cried for about an hour.
All I could think of is why...
My family is a very close family, my dad is one of the 9 children, and now one of them past away very sudden. I called my grandma, she cried unstoppable on the phone.
There we're several phonecalls that day with my mom, dad and sisters, and other family members.
It hurts realizing that during those confersation, I couldnt comfort anyone. The pain and the lost is not explainble and the tears are there, but the words are not.

The funural was intence and long with about 300 people.

I still cant believe that he is gone for good. My uncle was one of a kind, and I know he is missed every day.
Unexplainble.

This last week I have been fighting Gods love. You know how that feels? If you know the storie of Jacob fighting God for real with his hands.....I kind a feld like Him. My life is far from perfect, I make mistakes all the time, not mistakes like eating out of my roomates cookiejar (eventhough I sometimes do that too...) but mistakes as in not realising what my words can do to someone, or not wanna listen to a good advise, dancing to long and ending up kissing a guy that I find out later has a girlfriend. Several mistakes..... Im not trying to be a holy person here ok?! I like to mess up sometimes and learn, just making that clear, but when the mistakes start to mark your life its not good.




I have feld God tapping me on my shoulder and trying to get my attention, and I might have turned my face to see Him, but most of the time I would just keep walking. And not listen to His loving advice. Sometimes its doesnt feel like His love you know.

For the people that are not christian...I think since we all have a commont cence, and we know what is wrong and right.... you get it right?!

I want that peace back, I want God back in my life more than ever.

A new start and more to come

(couldnt get these last pics straight...o well)

I have mooved into my new house. Actually it's my friends house, and Im renting one of her rooms! Its almost finished. It looks very cool and we're having a blast together. Its nice to have someone around, but still have your privacy!


The other day she brought her cat, called "Aagje". A crazy and funny one.
So its a new start. A new place. I have a very nice room, and a very cozy livingroom!
We still need to put up some paintings and the kitchen (including the dishwasher..!!) need the finishing touch, but its amazing how much this place changed from what it looked like a couple of months ago!

With my new house, my new job, and new adventures in San Diego to come, Im ready. Im refreshed, and exited! Life is good like this!
God provides all the things we need, not always the things that we think we need, but He sure knows like no other what we have to have! And with that....I see a whole new futere opening up. Surrender and giving my heart to the Lord is hard and I dont like it most of the time. Im a very stubbern girl, but God has teached me to soften my heart and Im not as restless as I use to be.
I believe that there is a place and time for everything. But on Gods timing those things grow to be at their best and most beautifull.
Its not MY life...Its not about what I want. God is the source of it all, everything starts with Him.
I am learning now to start my day by telling God and remembering my self that everything I recieve is from the Lord. That He knows what is best for me.

Every action has its reaction, and Gods reaction is still the best!!!!

Is there anything like a dog-heaven?

Last night I went all the way up to Groningen to see my parents and one of my three younger sisters. Not really to visit them... The trainride there was way to long and my stumic felt realy realy weird the whole ride. I tried not to crie but I think some of the tears escaped and they wet my sunglasses.
Earlier that day my dad called, telling me that my dog, Saar, was to old and sick and she and they couldnt do anything else but put her to sleep.... Forever. She died last night, in the presence of my mom and dad and my sis. The two youngest couldnt make it.
It was horrible, and went so fast. For almost 12 years this dog was a big part (if not the biggest) of our family. And grew up with us (all the four girls). When I was younger I took her out for hours walking a long the dykes and she would always chase the horses there.
She was very very sensetive. When I had a bad they Saar would always put her head on my knee and lifted one leg up...very funny. And she could sing!!
But this last year wasnt a good one for here, our cat died, (those two were crazy about eachother, slept in the same place) and she got really nervous. When my family would leave the house she would barfkall day and she bit every single thing she could find... Poor dog.
She didnt like to be alone anymore, she got older and woke my parents up during the night with here noizes and barking!
So last night we decided it was enough, and she deserved her rest.
It was so hard to see her go. I cried, and I wasnt exepccting that it would hurt so much.
My parents found a place on a farm to bury her at a farm. Wich was a good place.

I wander if there is anyting like a dog-heaven.....